So Numb It Hurts

What is wrong with me? For some inexplicable reason, my heart seems to have lost its function. Yeah, it beats all right. It lubs and dubs a thousand times a day and pumps pure fresh blood to all the vessels in my body thus keeping my entire being alive. You know, all those trivial physiological functions we learn about in BIOL 125 Anatomy and Physiology under Sir Nestor Carillo. But does it lub and dub for a reason? Nah.

Let me explain.

Here’s what I’ve just realized. I am emotionally, romantically, pathetically numb. As in I don’t feel anything. Manhid, manhid, manhid!!! I can’t explain it. I used to be a hopeless romantic. Now just scratch off that last word and you get a word that defines my current status: hopeless. Somehow, over the past year, my heart has forgotten what it’s like to you know, love. (cue me vomiting.) I don’t even know what kilig feels like anymore. Forgive the cliché, but my heart has built a ridiculously thick wall around itself. I’m cynical. I laugh at those who obsess about love. I doubt anyone who says those three little words to anyone. I even hate myself now for even writing about this topic.

Sure, when I think about it, being numb has its advantages. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t get distracted from my studies. My heart can’t get broken. I am not vulnerable. No one can hurt me.

They even say I’m lucky. They say I’m smart. Smart for not letting emotions get to me and for guarding my heart. They tell me to keep it up. To remain focused and undistracted. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I should be thankful that even though my life’s boring, uninteresting and drama-deprived, at least it’s stable. At least I’m strong. Free. But maybe I don’t want to be smartand strong anymore. I want to cry over dumb romantic movies. I want to go to bed dreaming of some stupid guy. I want to fall into an emote spell when I’m alone or when I’m listening to a love song, or when I’m staring out a window. I want to get all giddy and kilig over cheesy lines in a text message, flowers delivered at sunrise, a music video dedicated to me, a moonlit picnic on the field, an out-of-tune song sung over the phone, a timid “I love you.” I want to be sentimental and silly and girly and touchy-feely. I want to see flowers and sunshine, and roses and butterflies. H*ck, I want to be that idiot who’s stupid enough to fall in love, get her heart broken, then fall in love all over again.

But for some reason, I can’t.

I wish I had an excuse. Even if its something mushy and pathetic like, oh, some guy broke my heart and now I’m too scared to fall in love. Or even sorry, I’m gay. (haha). But I’m just numb. Anesthetized. Unfeeling. Unsensitive. So numb it actually hurts.

Sure, my heart beats. But for no reason other than to pump my blood.

Labels: numb

4:40 AM ·